I’m back home for thanksgiving and I should be ecstatic but I’m not at peace. I’m actually really fucking sad. The year is about to end and reflecting back I find that I’m fucking up. I want to find happiness. I can’t get over this one person and it’s been over a year and it seems that these fucking feelings won’t leave. What if they never do? That’s impossible right? I feel a huge empty whole in my chest causing me to feel like I’m dying, or at least not living. How do I get over this person? I want to find love again and be able to move on, be able to be happy. I want to go back in time; I want to be young again when everything seemed right. Now people are divorced, diseased, and overall things just seem shittier. I should be happy I’m going to a great school and have the opportunity to further my education but I can’t focus with this broken heart. I don’t know what to do anymore. I should be taking advantage of everyday I have but instead I find myself wasting time being sad but it’s not really my fault. I want to move on but for some reason I’m not able to or just doing it really slow with no progress. I don’t even want to drink or do drugs because that’s just an escape. I’m starting to not be able to differentiate reality from dreams. What is wrong with me? I don’t even want to have sex with this person, I just need her friendship. She was my rock and helped me thru a lot of shit; even though it also caused shit but that was more about us then life. I just want happiness to find me, genuine happiness that will last longer than a day or weekend. I’m so sad, this shit sucks. It’s like everything around me could be perfect but inside me it’s so much pain. I’m not even doing it to myself, this feeling just won’t fucking leave my body. Maybe next year things will get better. My biggest thing is how long it’s been and the little process vie made, fuck these feelings. WTF do I need to do to get over this? Drugs and alcohol haven’t been the answer. I need to find someone new to love but it doesn’t work that way, that person has to find me. Until then I just have to deal with it. When I’m around people I seem fine, just like everyone else but once I’m alone in my room is when I breakdown to that same fucking level and feel the weight of the world and the pain in my heart. I just want to get over this. Maybe next year I guess; I can’t do anything else about it. I’m cursed, this is my bad karma for being a shithead and fucking up my relationship, granted it wasn’t all my fault but damn, the consequences Coming back home this is what I identify myself with because it was the happiest part of my life and it last a long time as well. Time, time passes and you don’t really notice how things change. It’s been a while since we were actually together but the feelings are just as strong and intense. Leaving me to wonder, why time hasn’t healed this wound. How much longer? It feels like everything is falling apart. God please help me, I give up I don’t know what to do. This must be the feeling drug addicts get, can’t differentiate reality and constantly looking for an escape.